The Good, The Bad, and The Motivation

Generally speaking, I don't struggle with motivation. Although that may not be apparent, since it's been a million years since my last post... Anyway. When it comes to the gym, I'm usually pretty good to go. Granted, there are days when I'm too sore or tired or whatever, but I'm almost always in the mood to throw some weights around and get sweaty. Now, that being said, there are those times when I need a little fire lit under my ass. Lately, the things I think about to fuel that fire have me wondering if there's "bad" motivation and if so, what the fuck do I do about it?! Allow me to elaborate...

This is also motivating...

You see, there is this chick. She is a distant acquaintance of mine and rarely pops up in life. I could go into detail about how I know her, blah, blah, blah, but it's not really relevant. You know what is relevant? It fucking pisses me off that she's snatching heavier weights than me. And when I have some extra time at the gym lately, I instantly want to work on my technique because it fucking infuriates me that she's lifting heavier than me, and from what Zeus tells me, improving my technique will up my game. I have plenty of other gym amigas that are stronger than me and I have no issues with that at all but for various reasons that I won't share (because I'll sound petty and childish), it annoys the fuck out of me that this individual is kicking my ass in this arena, and I often use this energy to push myself. And I guess that's where I ask myself if it's okay to do so, to fuel my fire with irritation and jealousy rather than rainbows and unicorns.

I suppose I'm smart enough to know that it isn't about other people, and a lot of the time, it really isn't. I'm not going to the Olympics (or am I...?) anytime soon, and my training is for me, for my mental and physical health, for the sake of being my best self. And I'm pretty sure my best self isn't supposed to secretly (maybe not so secretly now) wish that the person in question suddenly can't get under a 45lb barbell. Or if she does, it hits her in the face. Too far? Meh, whatever, you don't know who she is. But I guess my point is that I know better than to entertain this nature of thought path, and yet I find myself going back to it. And it's not a healthy version of competition, it's petty and childish.

But... Yep, there's a "but."

But it does push me at times. There are moments when I think my childish, petty thoughts and then I find a little more in the tank to get it done. And I know that's not how it's supposed to work but the reality is that in those moments, that IS how it works...and it works. And I guess I'm just asking myself if that's okay, if I should allow myself those less than ideal mental indulgences and smash weights, or if I should try to clear my head, be happy for her success, and get back to my own goals, based upon my own success and my own failure. When I spell it out like that, it seems pretty simple, doesn't it? Except it's not, because whether or not I know better, this shit happens. And maybe it's short-sighted but sometimes some short sight works juuuuuuuust fine.

Maybe I'm not supposed to admit that I have these thoughts, I don't know. But I do. And I should also acknowledge that while it can help at times, it can also hurt. If I'm too focused on my irritation, I screw up, whether that means my form is off or I just psyche myself out, and I feel like if I'm saying that it helps me get a barbell over my head on somedays, I also need to say that on other days, it stops me from doing the same thing.

I guess it's all a bunch of annoying human bullshit. And as long as I'm not in that headspace on the reg, maybe I don't need to worry about whether or not I should be having these thoughts. Instead, I'll just focus on my goals. And achieving my goals. Using visualization to achieve my goals. Visualizing success. Visualizing the barbell...in her hands...at her hips...in her teeth...

Sorry, I just couldn't help myself :)