Boobs, Chins & Gym Laughs

In the last two days, I have managed to grievously assault both my boobs and my chin whilst at the gym. Okay, maybe that's an exaggeration, but I don't give a shit. I work hard and I want some sort of credit for it. CrossFitters have incorporated the term "hero" into their branding and WODs, all because they jump rope with a fancy name (double-unders - fancy might be an overstatement, but you know what I mean) & walk on their hands, clearly the stuff that heroes do all the time, when they're not engaged in actual combat or rescuing people from burning buildings. As such, I feel it is only fair that I am bestowed with some sort of acknowledgement for my own heroic efforts that have resulted in the sacrifice of my body.

Just a quick deviation for the sake of clarity. I only chirp CrossFit because people seem to get so intensely offended by the mildest criticisms or jokes with regard to it, and I love a good reaction. At the end of the day, a lot of CrossFitters are legit at what they do, are in impressively good shape, and would likely make me look like an invalid if we ever went to head-to-head on anything involving a barbell, dumbbells, pull-up bars, cardio...anything at all, really. I'm putting this in here because at some point, someone who loves CrossFit more than their own children will read this and promptly mail me anthrax, which I'd prefer to avoid.

Okay, back to why I'm a hero. And by hero, I mean dumb ass who hurts themselves in a not-smooth fashion.

Yesterday I was doing cleans, one of the regular components of Program #2 designed by the aforementioned warlord, Zeus (aforementioned as in go back a few posts). I love a good clean. Who doesn't?! Basically anything with a barbell makes me feel like I'm stronger and cooler than I actually am. Well...I am pretty cool. The strength thing, that's a work in progress. Anyhow. Cleans involve keeping the barbell pretty close to your body, which in theory shouldn't be too difficult. Simple instructions, right? Yeah, maybe if your chest resembles that of a prepubescent boy. While my boobs are smaller than they used to be, as a result of doing things like cleans and eating in a clean fashion (I'm like Jerry Seinfeld incarnate today), they are still relatively big. Huge, depending on your perspective. And guess what? Big or huge boobs get in the way of a moving barbell that is sliding up your body at a relatively fast speed. And when said barbell hits said boobs, it hurts. Like a bitch. Upon writing this, I feel a bit like a nancy for complaining but whatever. Boob pain sucks. And it's not my fault that I'm clearly dedicated to the form of my cleans, so much so that I would injure my mammaries.

Wow. I've literally never used the word mammaries before, in any context.

Obvs had to keep Zeus in the loop upon hitting myself like a spastic monkey

How does my chin factor into all of this? What gym war wound could be worse than barbell-meets-boobs-barbell-wins? Well, it's not really worse. But it was pretty funny. I was doing a session with Zeus in person today, which usually means that I'll be comatose by the end, and I had to do push press. Upon having my form corrected, in a manner that helped improve the movement itself right away, I proceeded to instantaneously clip my chin on the way up. The form correction was so helpful that my face didn't anticipate the super-speed push press headed its way! I suppose the only reason I think this is funny is because my teeth are intact - the clicking sound they made upon being unexpectedly pushed together would likely be more upsetting if it had been accompanied by a chipping sound. I'm sporting a little mark under my chin, which really does me no good at all. No one will see it. Gym fails should have visible injuries that will prompt questions, so you can pump your own tires and act super bad ass. And if I'm not going to walk around jutting my chin out at an unnatural angle, you can sure as hell bet I'm not rolling around flashing my boobs and bruises (that aren't actually there), either.

I guess like any true hero, I'm just glad to have lived to tell the story. I actually can't handle even pretending to say that. There's nothing remotely cool or impressive about either - basically if my form had been better to begin with, I wouldn't be smoking myself with barbells like a moron. But both happenings were kind of funny, and everyone needs to laugh every now and then. And if you're a CrossFitter and you can't laugh at yourself, you can laugh at me for now...

When you're done laughing at me, laugh at these guys...