Gym Shame

Gym shame. It's been a while. How not-awesome of you to resurface...

Being a relative newbie to the gym, it's definitely taken a while to acclimate. I came in as unknowledgeable as possible, whether you're talking about muscles or a type of exercise, or a specific machine. Love that moment when someone mentions the Smith machine, as if I would have any idea what they're referring to...get serious. Or snatch - you want to chat about vagina? Seems a bit unnecessary...

My aforementioned ignorance was accompanied by an enormous amount of gym shame, one of the toughest forms of shame & self-consciousness I've ever encountered. Feeling incredibly aware of everyone around me, every individual with a plan and purpose, and me, feeling more befuddled and insecure than I can explain. I know we all have insecurities and often think people are judging us when they really don't give a shit about anything beyond the 6 inches surrounding them, but for me, it was the worst in this arena. I worried people could tell how little I knew, or that they looked at my physique and wondered if I realized my gym time was wasted, since based on my out-of-shape body, what I was doing clearly wasn't working. Unless I was working with one of my incredible trainers or tolerant training partners, I would freeze. I'd blank on what to do, even if I had a workout written down. I'd often leave, too anxious to think straight and convinced I looked like a moron to everyone else, all of those geniuses working their neck-shoulders (my scientific term for traps, aka trapezoids...I think), or running up a futile storm on the treadmill. Sorry, on A treadmill, my gym has more than one treadmill. Obviously.

Thankfully, with time, progress & a wicked #fitfam (you should probably punch me for typing that), I gained tiny pieces of confidence. And with more time & progress, I became borderline confident within my gym. I definitely still had moments of feeling unsure but overall, it became a source of comfort. I liked recognizing people. I loved Wednesday & Friday mornings, training dates with one of my bffs that overlapped with a couple of gems who trained with a fave personal trainer/bff (yep, so many bffs) of mine. The gym was a dope place to be and I was essentially in charge of the place! Not really. But you get the picture.

I then had to conquer out-of-town gyms. With my crew, holidays include gym time. Before you roll your eyes, allow me to interject. People are healthy because they consistently engage in healthy habits, exercise being one of those. Period. So swallow your vacay-workout judgment & hit the gym yourself the next time you get away. I digress... My friends, you travel, you still work out. And work out I did. And over time, I became fine with doing so, sans nervousness or embarrassment. And that, may I tell you, is an awesome feeling.

So imagine my disappointment tonight when my old nemesis, Gym Shame 2013, came to visit. I had done a cardio session earlier today but needed to get in some lifting. I showed up, ready to go & it all crumbled. My program includes back squats, but the squat rack was occupied. There were quite a few new dudes working out, pretty jacked & pretty focused and I felt super intimidated. My program includes box jumps today - what if I wipe out? What if hot-guy-who-may-or-may-not-juice (he's borderline) sees me wipe out? Is he already thinking that I don't look lean enough to be someone who's serious about the gym? Are goblet squats an acceptable replacement for back squats? If I do goblet squats, will the people around me watch and think I'm not going deep enough, or that my weight isn't heavy enough? (Trust me, I have taken a moment to laugh about my goblet squat-related stress, since the only goblets I used to reference hold booze or are the object of Indiana Jones' desire).

I did half my program and quit. And I felt like such a loser. It's amazing how tough it is to celebrate our triumphs and how easy it is to dwell on our stumbles. My immediate response was indeed a solid dwell. I was a failure. I had a program and I didn't follow it. Thankfully, I'm a lot kinder to myself than I used to be, and I removed those thoughts pretty quickly, reminded myself of my cardio session earlier in the day, and mapped out my approach for tomorrow. Forgiveness of self is an incredible gift, no matter the issue, and I don't want to focus on feelings that impede me, regardless of the area of life.

So what's the point of this lengthy and not overly interesting tale? First and foremost, to remind myself both to forgive myself and to push myself. And especially to forgive myself for the times I don't push as hard as I could, whilst remembering that such forgiveness can be accompanied by a pep talk that incites action the next time around. Don't mistake forgiveness for complacency. Beyond that, this is to let all of the me's out there know that this happens to the best of us, regardless of our stage in the #fitfam journey (that's twice, why are you even still reading). Feeling self-conscious? Been there, done that. Fake it til you make it, and eventually you won't be faking it. And judging by my experience tonight, you'll relapse, because you're human. But that's cool. Just work that much harder when you make your reappearance. Hop on that Smith machine and kill it, while everyone else focuses on their own stuff, their own biceps, their own gym outfit, their own gains. And when the shame comes, let it come, embrace it. But then let it go. Be done with it. And forgive yourself for being human, just like the rest of us.

For the record, I still don't know what a Smith machine is. Who cares. I know other stuff...